Judging by the berserk run of picks made in the first round of the latest NFL Draft, it looks like the league plans to eliminate defense in 2024. At best, putting 11 defenders on the field will be optional – and certainly not mandatory. I designate Mike Martz as the spiritual leader of this reinvention of America’s game.
Offense sells tickets, arouses the gamblers, drives the traditional TV ratings, creates new gushing flows of revenue via streaming properties, makes quarterbacks and wide receivers as popular as Taylor Swift and Olivia Rodrigo, and turns game days into football Woodstock – which is why 150,000 screaming, amped up fans descended into a frenzy of ecstasy while occupying downtown Detroit to see NFL commissioner Roger Goodell read names and throw himself into awkward bro hugs with hulking first-round picks.
God Bless America.
Thursday evening, 72 percent of the 32 talents chosen in the first round were pulled out of college-football offensive huddles. We saw 23 of 32 picks enter The League as quarterbacks, wide receivers, offensive tackles and one tight end.
This was the throw-it, catch it, block it first round. Teams that had no pressing need for a quarterback drafted quarterbacks, anyway. It’s like these people that are obsessed with collecting those highfalutin “Stanley Cup” drinking jugs.
The first 12 selections of last night’s first round featured a runway of six quarterbacks that got the call to give their careers – and brain health? – to the NFL.
In the first 56 years of the modern NFL draft there had always been at least two defensive players chosen in among the first 10 selections. Well, not this time. The first defender was called at No. 15.
The defensive dudes had to stand outside the velvet rope and wait in line as all of the glamorous quarterbacks and receivers strolled by wearing the latest fashion designs.
As the brilliant football analyst-blogger Mike Tanier wrote of No. 1 overall draft choice, the quarterback Caleb Williams, on Friday morning:
“Caleb Williams does not arrive in the NFL like a traditional rookie, but like something the league has never seen before: a European soccer megastar gracing the United States with his presence, perhaps; or the prince of some wealthy city-state weighing the pros and cons of a diplomatic wedding.
“Williams is the first great quarterback prospect born and bred in the NIL era. He’s one of the kids these days who used the transfer portal like Lyft and whose sponsorship dollars are already accruing interest. He’s fashion-forward, self-actualized and all the other things that make men like Jim Harbaugh want to lock their double-wide trailer doors and never come out again.”
Seven wide receivers went in the first round – the highest count in 20 years. Six quarterbacks went in Round One for the first time since 1983.
– USC’s Caleb Williams went No. 1 to the Bears – who added a fabulous wide receiver, Rome Odunze, on the ninth pick. Williams will also be throwing to veteran WRs Keenan Allen and D.J. Moore. The Bears’ new plan is to win games by an average score of 81-75.
– LSU’s Jayden Daniels was the second overall pick, to Washington. The Commanders are trying to do the RG3 thing all over again. Let’s hope that Daniels will survive all of those downfield runs.
– North Carolina’s Drake Maye (No. 3) was drafted to become the true successor to Tom Brady in New England. The Patriots have no playmakers on offense, so Maye will be throwing to air. Deposed Patriots coach Bill Belichick, a guest analyst on Pat McAfee’s show, was unimpressed by the QB that one anonymous scout called “Jethro Bodine” as in the old Beverly Hillbillies TV show.
“Drake compares himself a lot to Josh Allen,” Belichick said. “He’s been doing that for quite a while. We’ll see about that.”
Damn. That’s cold.
– Washington’s Michael Penix Jr. was the most surprising pick of the first round, going to the incomprehensibly stupid Atlanta Falcons at No. 8. This decision came weeks after the bizarro Falcons committed $180 million to free-agent QB Kirk Cousins. The Atlanta GM said that if Penix has to sit and learn and watch for four or five years, that would be fine. So the plan is to make Penix the starter at age 28, maybe age 30? WHAT? The Falcons had many needs to fill at all other positions – and this was their plan? Cousins didn’t know. He was at the Falcons’ draft party for fans and seemed genuinely mystified.
– Michigan’s J.J. McCarthy went at No. 10 to Minnesota, which traded up to get him. JJ throwing to JJ. (As in wide receiver Justin Jefferson. That would be fun, but we’re not sure if McCarthy can throw it that far. Opinions vary. I like the draft analysts who kept pointing out how McCarthy won so many games and had such an incredible record at Michigan. OK, now tell me what JJ’s record would have been as the starting quarterback at Rutgers.
– Bo Nix (Oregon) was taken at No. 12 by Sean Payton, the former offensive mastermind, who relocated to Denver to continue the desperate search for the next Drew Brees – the quarterback who made Payton look so great while coaching at New Orleans.
These fellows need security, so nine offensive linemen were selected to protect QBs in 2024 – tying the record set for most first-round O-linemen since 2013 and 2022. No running backs were deemed worthy of this VIP party. They are just members of the working class, and their time will come later in the draft.
No linebackers in the first round. No safeties. Four edge rushers. Three cornerbacks. Two defensive lineman. What’s that all about? Should NFL teams decide to play defense in 2024, they need some extra people to pressure the quarterbacks and cover the receivers. Every good action film requires stunt men.
The Kansas City Chiefs got the draft’s fastest receiver late in the first round – Xavier Worthy from Texas. And Buffalo – which can’t beat KC – traded down to give the Chiefs a chance to select a new toy for quarterback Patrick Mahomes. And Bills fans wonder why their team can’t get past Andy Reid and Mahomes?
The NY Giants declined to join the quarterback party. They took a wide receiver (LSU’s Malik Nabers) with the sixth pick. Oh, goodie. Quarterback Daniel Jones has a new wide receiver to underthrow, overthrow … or fumble before he can throw at all.
What a wild night. Moms and Dads out there, raise your boys to grow up and be quarterbacks. Your family will be rich, and he’ll get a chance to hug Goodell.
Thanks for reading …
–Bernie
